Momentous Institute Conference Gives Us Gift of Failure
By Mario Tarradell, Public Relations & Marketing Manager
It was standing room only. At the Momentous Institute Conference Thursday, Oct. 1, 2015 a bunch of us stood in the back of the humongous ballroom. We were all there for the Jessica Lahey session, “The Gift of Failure: Fostering Intrinsic Motivation, Resilience in Kids.”
The afternoon gathering at the Hilton Anatole in Dallas felt more like a rock concert. Lahey, wearing a headset microphone, used a spacious stage to deliver her hour-long message. Four large video screens transmitted her talk to the audience.
Lahey is an educator, author and speaker. She was riveting. She pens a bi-weekly column dubbed “The Parent-Teacher Conference” for The New York Times. She’s a contributing writer for The Atlantic. And she’s authored a book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed.
I’m not a teacher, nor am I a parent. But Lahey’s every thought, every sentence, every anecdote made sobering sense to me. My notes on her presentation are in stream-of-consciousness fashion, and they are most potent as is:
- Kids don’t like learning because they are so focused on the grades and the fear of failing.
- Move away from grading; move away from homework.
- Autonomy = supportive parenting.
- Competence versus confidence – Kids have a ton of confidence, but no competence.
- Connection – Whatever you teach kids connect it to the larger world for them. If things aren’t connected for kids, they have no relevance.
- Autonomy supportive parents = kids who complete tasks.
- Directive parents = kids who do not complete tasks.
- It’s OK if kids do not make connections in their brains immediately. Don’t worry; they will eventually make those connections.
- Raise kids that will become adults someday. Let kids come up with their own checklists. All the things that we help kids learn how to handle, that is their checklist.
Everything Lahey said stayed with me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about competence versus confidence. I’ve never been a competitive guy. I’ve always been the leave me alone, let me do it myself quietly guy. My confidence is directly founded in competence.
My parents allowed me to study, to learn on my own. Yes, they were supportive. My dad told me repeatedly that I could be whatever I wanted to be so long as I worked hard, never gave up and kept my head screwed on tight. My mom instilled in me a perfect balance of humility and pride. Not boastful pride, but the kind that is earned.
Lahey’s words reminded me that Big Thought does just that. We guide, encourage, and teach. Then we allow the child to explore, to engage, to open up the protective gates of their imagination and create. That’s autonomous support. That’s giving each child the precious gift of failure.
